Until now we’ve just referred to the new Star Wars film as ‘Episode VII’. There were times we thought JJ Abrams might leave it like that. But now we finally have it… the new name. Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens.
What?! The Force Awakens? Has it been asleep? It’s always looked pretty awake to us, pulling X-wings from swamps and letting Yoda float about like a genie.
Here are some of our own plot suggestions that might explain such a nonsensical name.
1. An ageing Luke awakens from a very deep nap, demanding to know who’s stolen his Worther’s Galactics. He’s very Forceful about it.
2. Yoda never really died. He just went on a massive 30-year bender on the forest moon of Endor – finally awakening in a sexy, hungover mess of Ewoks.
3. The Force Awakens is the name of Lando Calrissian’s new hair product range. The film focuses on a bitter law suit with the Jedi Council.
4. It is revealed that the Force was asleep from Episode IV through VI. The reason Luke struggled so much to do any Jedi tricks was that any effects of “the Force” were just Obi Wan and Yoda using clever mirror tricks and a series of pulleys and levers.
5. The Jedis have all awoken to the fact that C-3PO adds absolutely nothing to any galaxy-liberating expedition, and decide to leave him behind fretting about a tarnished fender in Mos Eisley.
6. ”The Force Awakens” is an environmental documentary about how methane released by herds of flatulent Tauntauns threatens to melt the ice planet Hoth.
7. Since the last film Luke has had a brood of exceptionally precocious Jedi children. After nap time ends, the film basically becomes Cheaper By The Dozen but with mind control and mini lightsabers.
8. “The Force Awakens” is the name of an infectiously catchy new single by that band from Mos Eisley Cantina in Episode IV. They’ve had a Take That-style revival since then and the film follows their upcoming galaxy tour.
9. JJ Abrams has decided that the Force can awaken fallen Jedis from days of yore. That way he gets to have Ewan McGregor and Samuel L. Jackson acting in his trilogy.
10. What with better spaceship technology and a dearth of galactic wars, R2-D2 can no longer find work as a repair droid. Instead his tweets and whistles are being used as a retro alarm clock.
11. “The Force Awakens” is the name of Han Solo’s memoirs, in which he promises to dish the dirt on Luke’s out-of-control god complex, and why Leia left him for a Gungan.
12. The Force awakens a young Anakin Skywalker. Turns out Episodes I through III were all just a dream, and Hollywood can have another crack at it. Thank Abrams!
13. The Force awakens that giant asteroid worm, the Exogorth, which seemed like it should have caused much more mayhem back in Episode V. The film descends into a 1950s-style B-movie as it romps through the galaxy chomping up TIE fighters.
14. In a dramatic shift from the expected sci-fi epic, Abrams has decided that “The Force Awakens” will be a light-hearted, galactic re-telling of the Sleeping Beauty story. It’s all set on Naboo – the most rom-comiest of all Star Wars planets.
15. It simply doesn’t matter that the Force has been “awake” in all the previous films. This is a self-referential point about how doing things in the correct order was never Star Wars’ strong point…
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